I try to write you a note every year on your birthday. The writing is different than before- when you were here- it's more like 'Remembering'. You would be 6 years old today. The trees on our street are all turning beautiful bright colors, just how they were when we took you for a walk through the neighborhood. I was raking leaves off our front yard yesterday, and it reminded me of how your grandpa raked our leaves the morning of your funeral. So many things remind us of you, especially this time of year. As promised, you are still spoken of in our bedtime prayers, and present in every Christmas card. You are absolutely still a very real member of this family. You define so much of who we are. Your example reminds us how to be strong, and from what source strength comes. You remind us of our promises.
There's this picture that Daddy gave me (oddly, we have it hanging up in the bathroom:-). It is a painting of a woman surrounded by angels. "She Will Find What is Lost," by Brian Kershisnik. I think people love this picture because of the woman. She is surrounded by those she can't see who love her and are eager to help her. Mommy likes to look at this picture, not because of the woman, but for one particular angel. She's this young lady at the top of the painting with brown hair and brown eyes. She looks still and steady and wise. She reminds me of you. I love how she looks outside of the painting, right at me. She's the only one who does that. I've told you before that you are my Angel. I remember telling you that I thought, if angels watch over us- they would probably be people in our family like great grandmas and grandpas and our grandchildren not even born yet. Family is eternal, and we are all invested in each other's happiness and success. I still think that's true. And out of all the beautiful angels that watch over our family, you have become the one we can see. We know you're there- and that you depend on us to keep our promises. Sometimes, I get lazy, and I forget. Then I think, "You're not allowed to mess up. You've seen an angel. That's supposed to put you in a different category- one immune from doubt and despair. You know for sure."
I should tell you- last year, I felt sad. It started with a baby dying in mommy's tummy. When it happened, I expected all those sweet feelings of peace to come back like they did with you. I wanted to feel connected to my little baby, and feel all the influence just like I felt from you. I wanted surety. I wanted promises. But none of that came. It just plain felt sad, and empty, and alone. And I wondered what I had done wrong.
There are lots and lots of people who have seen angels and forgotten. That's because it's not enough to just have a powerful experience with the divine, we need to remember. Then we have to add to those experiences, so that our faith remains current. The scriptures warn that, if we don't add to our experiences, we can lose even what we had. I love a story of a man named Alma. This is a guy who had intense experiences with the Atonement, angels, everything. But, when asked where his faith came from, he simply replied "I have fasted and prayed many days that I might know these things for myself. And now I do know of myself that these things are true." The 'things' he talks about knowing, undoubtably include 'I know for sure that the Creator of the Universe is mindful of me, that He is my Father, and He loves me.' I felt this truth profoundly when you were here. I remember how it felt to be so carefully loved.
You provided an anchoring experience for our family. We know that Heavenly Father loves us. We know our Family is Forever. This is the plan of Happiness. There are countless 'angel moments', before and after you, that teach us these things are true. You don't make us immune from doubt, but you are the experience always staring at us. We can't forget you. This is why I named our little baby "Hope". Hope is held up by experience- it is a kind of knowledge rooted in trust. Hope means knowing that you're not alone. When I look at that picture Daddy gave me, I now notice you holding a little baby. I honestly don't know if she belongs to us or not- I don't really know her- but I like the symbol of you holding on to our little Hope anyway. You keep Hope safe for our family.
We love you so much. We miss you. It will be so nice when we are back together again.
Love, Mommy
