Sunday, October 25, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
Tuesday, Your Heavenly Homecoming
Your friend Robin came over to visit at 3 AM. Sonya was awake, so she cuddled her and read her stories in her crib. She held you, and helped to dip your footprint in plaster, and then Sonya's, so that you and your sister can have a sweet reminder of being together. Sonya simply adores you, you know. She begs to hold you every few minutes. She constantly kisses you and strokes your little fuzzy head. She even tries to give you a pacifier, her most treasured possession. (Even now that you are gone, she puts her pacifier up to your lips in our family pictures).
Many more friends came to visit you today, and feel your angelic spirit. Karen, the special girl who took your picture in the hospital came to hold you for the first time. She said that meeting you was life-changing experience. I believe you have change the lives of hundreds of people. Our neighbors from across the street came to meet you and they were instantly in love, as are all those who had the privilege.
At 6:26 PM, we celebrated your 5th Birthday! It was an absolute miracle that you had been with us for so long. We invited over the Taylors and the Morgans to party with us, so you had lots of friends and babies singing to you. Mommy put a giant pink birthday bow on your head. Everyone held you with lots of hugs and kisses. Everything was so happy!
You died in Mommy's arms at 7:09 PM. Mommy was the only one who noticed, but I didn't say anything for a few moments because it was so peaceful and effortless. I like to imagine that you waited until Mommy and Daddy had friends close by...you didn't want us to be sad. In a way, I also think you didn't want to leave when you were the center of attention. Sonya kissed you bye-bye, and Daddy held me close as we cried. Your friends took turns coming into the room to tenderly hold your body and say goodbye.
Mommy held your little body so tight for 3 hours after you went to heaven. I couldn't let you go- I just couldn't let you go. I cried and cried; feeling so blessed to have had you so long, but not knowing how I was ever going to be able to leave your side. The Absolute Hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life was lift you into Daddy's arms and watch him carry you downstairs...knowing I would not get to hold you again for a very very long time. Daddy was so strong! He gave your little broken body to two nice men in suits and watched you drive away from our home. Daddy did something I never could have done. He came back up to me and collapsed as my feet, so heartbroken...and so grateful that you were our daughter. We held each other and cried with happiness for hours.
Around Midnight, a knock at the door revealed a display of lovingly lit candles and a picture of our family.
OUR FOREVER FAMILY
Many more friends came to visit you today, and feel your angelic spirit. Karen, the special girl who took your picture in the hospital came to hold you for the first time. She said that meeting you was life-changing experience. I believe you have change the lives of hundreds of people. Our neighbors from across the street came to meet you and they were instantly in love, as are all those who had the privilege.
At 6:26 PM, we celebrated your 5th Birthday! It was an absolute miracle that you had been with us for so long. We invited over the Taylors and the Morgans to party with us, so you had lots of friends and babies singing to you. Mommy put a giant pink birthday bow on your head. Everyone held you with lots of hugs and kisses. Everything was so happy!
You died in Mommy's arms at 7:09 PM. Mommy was the only one who noticed, but I didn't say anything for a few moments because it was so peaceful and effortless. I like to imagine that you waited until Mommy and Daddy had friends close by...you didn't want us to be sad. In a way, I also think you didn't want to leave when you were the center of attention. Sonya kissed you bye-bye, and Daddy held me close as we cried. Your friends took turns coming into the room to tenderly hold your body and say goodbye.
Mommy held your little body so tight for 3 hours after you went to heaven. I couldn't let you go- I just couldn't let you go. I cried and cried; feeling so blessed to have had you so long, but not knowing how I was ever going to be able to leave your side. The Absolute Hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life was lift you into Daddy's arms and watch him carry you downstairs...knowing I would not get to hold you again for a very very long time. Daddy was so strong! He gave your little broken body to two nice men in suits and watched you drive away from our home. Daddy did something I never could have done. He came back up to me and collapsed as my feet, so heartbroken...and so grateful that you were our daughter. We held each other and cried with happiness for hours.
Around Midnight, a knock at the door revealed a display of lovingly lit candles and a picture of our family.
OUR FOREVER FAMILY
Monday, the Nineteenth
Your first night sleeping at home was so much better than the hospital. Daddy and I laid you between us on a giant fluffy purple pillow, and snuggled on both sides of you. We had our arms around you all night and, again, I simply could not go to sleep. You were just so beautiful, I simply couldn't close my eyes for fear of missing one gurgle or coo.
You had tons of special visitors today. Everyone wanted to be near you, and hold you. Cliff was one of your very sweet visitors who loved you even before you were born. His little baby boy died many years ago, and he said that Baby Cliff was the glue in his family- never overlooked or forgotten. He made his little family try extra hard to live lives worthy of Heaven. I thought you would get along well with Baby Cliff, so we set up a playdate for when we're all in Heaven together.
At 6 PM, we took a family walk outside to show you all the fall colored leaves. The sun was setting and it made the sky pink and yellow. I think you enjoyed all the crispy fresh air and pretty colors. We got back home just before your 4th birthday. We prepared a bottle of milk with a little flat candle on top. Everyone sang you happy birthday.
More visitors came tonight and loved you. The Pearson family brought you flowers, and even held tight your sister Sonya so she wouldn't feel left out. You are so loved!
You had tons of special visitors today. Everyone wanted to be near you, and hold you. Cliff was one of your very sweet visitors who loved you even before you were born. His little baby boy died many years ago, and he said that Baby Cliff was the glue in his family- never overlooked or forgotten. He made his little family try extra hard to live lives worthy of Heaven. I thought you would get along well with Baby Cliff, so we set up a playdate for when we're all in Heaven together.
At 6 PM, we took a family walk outside to show you all the fall colored leaves. The sun was setting and it made the sky pink and yellow. I think you enjoyed all the crispy fresh air and pretty colors. We got back home just before your 4th birthday. We prepared a bottle of milk with a little flat candle on top. Everyone sang you happy birthday.
More visitors came tonight and loved you. The Pearson family brought you flowers, and even held tight your sister Sonya so she wouldn't feel left out. You are so loved!
Sunday, Homecoming
We brought you home today. We drove with me holding you tightly in my arms...You were way too tiny for a car seat, and I couldn't bare to put you down. Walking into the door and welcoming you home felt so warm and right. All your family snuggled and kissed you. Sweet visitors Shirley, Taryn, Becca, Robin, Briton, and Diane came to hold you in all of your adorableness. It was very sweet: these visitors said that you had a such a strong and special spirit. You were a celestial being with one hand in Heaven and the other on Earth. I feel that, during the countless scary times we waited for you to breath, it was when Heaven was tugging a little harder for you to come home. I wonder if you may have gotten into a little bit of trouble with Heavenly Father for not coming home on time. I hope he understands.
All of the visits you received while you were alive made me understand that your life and birth was much bigger than just our family. Friends said that, because of you, they held their own babies a little bit tighter and said 'I love you' a little bit louder. You have helped people to re-believe in miracles.
All of the visits you received while you were alive made me understand that your life and birth was much bigger than just our family. Friends said that, because of you, they held their own babies a little bit tighter and said 'I love you' a little bit louder. You have helped people to re-believe in miracles.
Saturday, College Football Day
I held you all night long, again, and we had a few very nice chats. You and Daddy were up and moving a bit late, just in time to catch a little college football. You didn't seem to enjoy the game nearly as much as simply being snuggled by daddy. There came a point in that afternoon that Daddy and I felt a need to silence the room and hold you close. We hugged you and kissed you, and told you some important things. We told you that you had made us very, very happy. We explained to you that it was OK for you to go back to heaven, because we didn't want you to hurt anymore. We didn't need you to be strong for us; we were going to try not to be sad if you needed to go home to Jesus. We told you how honored we felt to be your mommy and daddy. I believe that you understood us. Your heart slowed and your color faded. You reached for and squeezed by thumb. One tear escaped your right eye and rolled down your cheek. We thought you were really going to leave us in that moment. But then you changed your mind. You gasped in a huge deep breath, your arms and legs whipped about, and you cried out loud. It felt like you were roaring "I am Powerful!". Daddy is convinced that you just wanted one more hug, and that you would have gone home much sooner if I hadn't squeezed so many hugs into you.
You were visited all day by your family, even Uncle Bri-Bri and Aunt Carly-Girl. They loved you the minute they saw your sweet face and felt your spirit.
We gave you a warm bath (Just like your sister Sonya, you hated getting water on your head).
In the middle of the night, Mommy was able to take care of you all by myself. I carefully changed your diaper, almost afraid that I was going to break you. I swaddled you in two fluffy new blankies, and even gave you a midnight snack. It felt so good know I could take care of you, and make good desicions. Even now, I worry that I might not have made the right choices for you. I could have given you some medicines that would have made you not feel pain, but then you wouldn't have been aware of all the people around you who loved you. I could have put tubes of nutrients in your scalp, but the doctors would have to cut you open, and it would have given you ouchies, and maybe even make you die. I wanted so badly to be selfish and do everything humanly possible to keep you alive forever; and it took every bit of my strength to resist. I hope so much that I was a good mommy, and that I made the same choices you would have if you could talk. I hope you know that I did everything I could for 9 months and 5 days to make you happy. I love you.
You were visited all day by your family, even Uncle Bri-Bri and Aunt Carly-Girl. They loved you the minute they saw your sweet face and felt your spirit.
We gave you a warm bath (Just like your sister Sonya, you hated getting water on your head).
In the middle of the night, Mommy was able to take care of you all by myself. I carefully changed your diaper, almost afraid that I was going to break you. I swaddled you in two fluffy new blankies, and even gave you a midnight snack. It felt so good know I could take care of you, and make good desicions. Even now, I worry that I might not have made the right choices for you. I could have given you some medicines that would have made you not feel pain, but then you wouldn't have been aware of all the people around you who loved you. I could have put tubes of nutrients in your scalp, but the doctors would have to cut you open, and it would have given you ouchies, and maybe even make you die. I wanted so badly to be selfish and do everything humanly possible to keep you alive forever; and it took every bit of my strength to resist. I hope so much that I was a good mommy, and that I made the same choices you would have if you could talk. I hope you know that I did everything I could for 9 months and 5 days to make you happy. I love you.
Friday the Sixteeth
This day was completely devoted to cuddling you. You and I woke daddy up at 4 am because we thought sleeping was a waste of time. Daddy disagreed with us and got a little grumpy...but melted when I put you in his arms. After a long cuddle with Daddy, we gave you a little bit of milk breakfast. You LOVED it and drank a little too quickly. See, your tummy was itty-bitty-bitty, and it couldn't hold more than a couple of drops. We ended up giving you lunch and dinner by just dipping your pacifier in milk and giving you food drop by drop.Your grandma and grandpa came to visit you.
Nurse Karen spent a long and VERY entertaining amount of time trying to make a mold of your 'two thumbs up' hand.
A wonderful woman came to our room and played her harp for you. She spent the better part of an hour singing while you slept in my arms. It was so pretty.
Thursday the Fifthteenth
I went into the hospital with a racing heartbeat of 140 bpm. The doctors couldn't figure out if it was my heart or yours that they were hearing. They told me that you might have died in my tummy and that only my heartbeat was left. I was scared...the heartbeat jumped to 180 and, again, one single beat. An ultrasound was taken and the doctors found you wiggling with your heart still beating. You and I were perfectly synchronized...me worrying about you, and then you worrying about me. Once we knew that we were both OK, the one heartbeat split into two, mine at 90 and yours at 130.
As they wheeled mommy into the prep room for our surgery, I became very very scared again. I wasn't prepared to loose you already. I needed just one more day, or one more week to be with you. Daddy laid me down and gave me a blessing and, in it, he said that you were very loved. He reminded that many people were fasting and praying at that very moment. The miracle that I didn't have the strength to hope for, was believed in by so many faithful people. I immediately felt that power and peace and fell asleep.
The surgery was silent and peaceful. You did not cry. But you took a breath- one quiet, determined, little breath all by yourself. The doctors lifted you up so I could see you, and I was enchanted by your beauty. They put you in daddy's arms, then mine...and we sobbed together in one of the most happy moment of our lives- stroking your cheeks, kissing your forehead, watching your chest rise and fall. Daddy's surgical mask was completely drenched in tears, and snot from his nose was leaking out the bottom onto his shirt. The doctor said to mommy, "Well Karren, it looks like you got everything you've ever wanted". It is true, the windows of heaven were opened, and blessings poured out, and there was barely enough room to receive them.
You were soon greeted by your Grandpa Vern, Gramma Karol, Grandma and Grandpa Wilde, Sister Sonya, and our special friend Karen. Sonya was THRILLED to meet you, and called you "MY BABY". You were given countless kisses. No one wanted to let you go. At one point, we unwrapped you to look at your beautiful body. Daddy began to count your fingers and toes, and laughed out load- 11 fingers and 10 toes!! You had the cutest little extra thumb!
Shortly after everyone left, you almost died. Daddy and I held you close and thanked you for staying long enough to be loved by your family. We cried and the nurse, Blanche, cried with us. But then, you came back to us....taking in a deep breath, your heart beat faster and you wiggled. I proudly held you, my sweet perfect pink girl, as they wheeled us into the Maternity ward. I did not let you go or take my eyes off of you for one moment all night. I kissed you over and over, whispering I love yous in your ear. You opened your eyes and cooed 'I love yous' back. I am still so desperately in love with you.
As they wheeled mommy into the prep room for our surgery, I became very very scared again. I wasn't prepared to loose you already. I needed just one more day, or one more week to be with you. Daddy laid me down and gave me a blessing and, in it, he said that you were very loved. He reminded that many people were fasting and praying at that very moment. The miracle that I didn't have the strength to hope for, was believed in by so many faithful people. I immediately felt that power and peace and fell asleep.
The surgery was silent and peaceful. You did not cry. But you took a breath- one quiet, determined, little breath all by yourself. The doctors lifted you up so I could see you, and I was enchanted by your beauty. They put you in daddy's arms, then mine...and we sobbed together in one of the most happy moment of our lives- stroking your cheeks, kissing your forehead, watching your chest rise and fall. Daddy's surgical mask was completely drenched in tears, and snot from his nose was leaking out the bottom onto his shirt. The doctor said to mommy, "Well Karren, it looks like you got everything you've ever wanted". It is true, the windows of heaven were opened, and blessings poured out, and there was barely enough room to receive them.
You were soon greeted by your Grandpa Vern, Gramma Karol, Grandma and Grandpa Wilde, Sister Sonya, and our special friend Karen. Sonya was THRILLED to meet you, and called you "MY BABY". You were given countless kisses. No one wanted to let you go. At one point, we unwrapped you to look at your beautiful body. Daddy began to count your fingers and toes, and laughed out load- 11 fingers and 10 toes!! You had the cutest little extra thumb!
Shortly after everyone left, you almost died. Daddy and I held you close and thanked you for staying long enough to be loved by your family. We cried and the nurse, Blanche, cried with us. But then, you came back to us....taking in a deep breath, your heart beat faster and you wiggled. I proudly held you, my sweet perfect pink girl, as they wheeled us into the Maternity ward. I did not let you go or take my eyes off of you for one moment all night. I kissed you over and over, whispering I love yous in your ear. You opened your eyes and cooed 'I love yous' back. I am still so desperately in love with you.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
An Angel's lesson in Charity
I've told you before that you are my little angel, and that you have taught me spiritual lessons in a way that I can understand. At the moment, I am in a hospital bed awaiting your arrival in the next two hours or so. I am so touched by all the people who love you, and have served you up to this point. There are friends all over the world who are going without food so that their prayers for you can feel stronger. Your grandmas have sewn special blankets and dresses for you, so that you can feel extra pretty on your birthday. Your name is on the prayer roles in all kinds of different churches, filled with people who believe as we do in a Heavenly Father who loves His children. There have even been friends who have offered humble prayers on your behalf to a God they are not so sure exists, but want to believe so much for your sake. People have practiced songs, named stars, given hugs, and written letters. Perhaps, most touching of all, have been when people have approached us with stories of their sorrows and sicknesses and triumphs. These stories make mommy cry...but they are good tears...it's because I love them.
It has been said that 'Charity' happens when we 'bare one anothers burdens, that they may be light. " I always thought that description of charity meant that when people help to bare our burdens, it makes them lighter for us. You have taught me that's not completely the way it works. When we bare the burdens and sadnesses of others, we learn to love them in a very special way- even strangers. We get a glimpse into the love that 'He who bares the Sorrows of us all' feels for the person we are serving. It is a perfect and careful pure love. When we feel it, we begin to 'see as we are seen' and to 'know as we are known', and we cannot help but understand that the intense love that God feels for another, He feels for me and you also. That understanding lightens my burdens, makes my yoke easy to bare.
I love you, my sweet angel girl. Having you inside my tummy makes me want to be a nicer person. Unkind thoughts and laziness seem unfitting while I house you, a beautiful heavenly being. I hope that will linger a little while when we are apart.
It has been said that 'Charity' happens when we 'bare one anothers burdens, that they may be light. " I always thought that description of charity meant that when people help to bare our burdens, it makes them lighter for us. You have taught me that's not completely the way it works. When we bare the burdens and sadnesses of others, we learn to love them in a very special way- even strangers. We get a glimpse into the love that 'He who bares the Sorrows of us all' feels for the person we are serving. It is a perfect and careful pure love. When we feel it, we begin to 'see as we are seen' and to 'know as we are known', and we cannot help but understand that the intense love that God feels for another, He feels for me and you also. That understanding lightens my burdens, makes my yoke easy to bare.
I love you, my sweet angel girl. Having you inside my tummy makes me want to be a nicer person. Unkind thoughts and laziness seem unfitting while I house you, a beautiful heavenly being. I hope that will linger a little while when we are apart.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Email to the Orenco Ward
Dear Miah,
This email arrived today from the bishop of our ward. You are in the thoughts and prayers of hundreds of people. You are loved!
Love,
Mom and Dad
Dear Orenco Ward Members
This Thursday we are inviting all Ward members to join in a Fast for the Wilde family. Cameron and Karren will be expecting the newest addition to their family this Friday, October 16th, via caesarean delivery. Although the delivery itself should prove to have no complications, little Miah Rachel Wilde (soon to grace this world) was diagnosed early on in the pregnancy with a condition called Trisomy 18, also known as Edwards syndrome. (for more information please go to www.trisomy18.org)
Due to this condition there is a chance that sweet, little Miah may pass away soon after birth. There is no definite timeline for the length of her lifespan on this Earth, but there is hope and an unwavering faith that a miracle will present itself. She has already defied many odds stacked against her in her 40 weeks of growth and development, which is a testament to the power of prayer and trusting in the Lord's plan for this strong, courageous spirit.
We invite all members to join in this fast starting on Thursday evening and ending on Friday evening. The Wilde's will need the fortifying strength of patience, comfort and continued trust in the Lord that can only come through the power of fasting.
We greatly appreciate all those who are able to participate in the fast on Thursday to Friday, as well as all who offer up their prayers this week on behalf of Cameron, Karren, Sonya and Miah Wilde.
Thank you,
Bishop Wade Ellis
This email arrived today from the bishop of our ward. You are in the thoughts and prayers of hundreds of people. You are loved!
Love,
Mom and Dad
Dear Orenco Ward Members
This Thursday we are inviting all Ward members to join in a Fast for the Wilde family. Cameron and Karren will be expecting the newest addition to their family this Friday, October 16th, via caesarean delivery. Although the delivery itself should prove to have no complications, little Miah Rachel Wilde (soon to grace this world) was diagnosed early on in the pregnancy with a condition called Trisomy 18, also known as Edwards syndrome. (for more information please go to www.trisomy18.org)
Due to this condition there is a chance that sweet, little Miah may pass away soon after birth. There is no definite timeline for the length of her lifespan on this Earth, but there is hope and an unwavering faith that a miracle will present itself. She has already defied many odds stacked against her in her 40 weeks of growth and development, which is a testament to the power of prayer and trusting in the Lord's plan for this strong, courageous spirit.
We invite all members to join in this fast starting on Thursday evening and ending on Friday evening. The Wilde's will need the fortifying strength of patience, comfort and continued trust in the Lord that can only come through the power of fasting.
We greatly appreciate all those who are able to participate in the fast on Thursday to Friday, as well as all who offer up their prayers this week on behalf of Cameron, Karren, Sonya and Miah Wilde.
Thank you,
Bishop Wade Ellis
Monday, October 5, 2009
From Your Father
Dear Miah,
Your mother has been writing letters to you for a while now, and while I am not as diligent as her, I needed you to know your father loves you.
Pregnancy is never easy on your mother, but she is so brave and I admire her so much for her positive attitude throughout her trials. Your mom was sick with you for four months at the beginning and is now so uncomfortable. With your big sister, she couldn't wait for it to be over. With you Miah, mom doesn't want this pregnancy to end. She is still very uncomfortable and doesn't enjoy the constant trips to the toilet or the difficulty sleeping. On the other hand, she realizes that when you are born, she won't get to spend much time with you. Given these two choices, constant discomfort or losing you, I believe that she would choose the discomfort.
Unfortunately for your mother, that is not the way it works, and we will get to meet you in a couple of weeks. I am really excited for that day. I don't have near the same connection with you. Whenever your mother says you are wiggling a lot inside her and I put my hand where you are, you stop. You are very shy when it comes to someone other than your mother. I look forward to finally meeting you and holding you.
I realize that you will be with us for just a short while, but it is much better than no time at all. One of my nightmares is having to bury one of my own children, and it looks like this will be the case. The Plan of Salvation teaches me that I will see you again and get to be with you. You must be a very important person to be needed immediately back in Heavenly Father's presence. Deep down I know this to be true and I am flattered that you chose me to be your father. I lost my birth mother when I was five years old and I know she will be waiting for you when you pass through the veil.
The range of emotions I've gone through during this pregnancy of yours have been wild. I was so excited when I found out you were conceived. Sonya is such a joy and I had no doubt you would be the same. When we went to the doctor for your first ultrasound at 12 weeks, I was excited. As it progressed and the technician became more and more somber, I remained optimistic. While your mom worried, I decided I would assume everything was OK until we heard back from the test results. When you were diagnosed with your condition, I took it a lot harder than your mother. She had been preparing for bad news. I had not. I cried with her as we absorbed the shock of it all.
The next emotion was one of relief. This was a mixed bag and your mother wasn't a big fan of it. I was relieved to know what was going on and to be able to prepare for something with some kind of certainty, even if it wasn't the thing I wanted. I was relieved that you wouldn't have to suffer for long and that you would have a short life knowing that you have a loving family. I was relieved that Sonya would not get neglected as often happens when a child with a disability comes into a family. This last relief was a little selfish as I also didn't know how I would hold up either.
We didn't hide the news. Due to your mother's cake business, we had to share it with her clients. After all, we could have lost you at anytime. You are so strong though. Here you are two weeks from birth and you are doing really well. We also shared it with our families and friends. Many prayers have been given on your behalf by all these people and you are well loved.
The view of the medical community has surprised me a little and not in a good way. Your mother didn't hesitate when we found out about your condition. Although the doctors basically asked us to terminate this pregnancy, your mother and I didn't flinch. We were going to keep you as long as you needed to be on this earth. The doctors used terms such as "non-viable" and "danger to health of the mother" to try to persuade us to end this pregnancy and aren't willing to intervene if your health is in danger. It is almost as if they don't see you as a person. Your mother and I know that you are indeed a very important person and just like all of our children, we would sacrifice much for you.
Mostly though Miah, I need you to know that I am proud of you for choosing to come to this earth, humbled to be your father, and excited to finally meet you. You have already touched our little family and you will be remembered as long as your mother and I breathe.
I love you.
Dad
Your mother has been writing letters to you for a while now, and while I am not as diligent as her, I needed you to know your father loves you.
Pregnancy is never easy on your mother, but she is so brave and I admire her so much for her positive attitude throughout her trials. Your mom was sick with you for four months at the beginning and is now so uncomfortable. With your big sister, she couldn't wait for it to be over. With you Miah, mom doesn't want this pregnancy to end. She is still very uncomfortable and doesn't enjoy the constant trips to the toilet or the difficulty sleeping. On the other hand, she realizes that when you are born, she won't get to spend much time with you. Given these two choices, constant discomfort or losing you, I believe that she would choose the discomfort.
Unfortunately for your mother, that is not the way it works, and we will get to meet you in a couple of weeks. I am really excited for that day. I don't have near the same connection with you. Whenever your mother says you are wiggling a lot inside her and I put my hand where you are, you stop. You are very shy when it comes to someone other than your mother. I look forward to finally meeting you and holding you.
I realize that you will be with us for just a short while, but it is much better than no time at all. One of my nightmares is having to bury one of my own children, and it looks like this will be the case. The Plan of Salvation teaches me that I will see you again and get to be with you. You must be a very important person to be needed immediately back in Heavenly Father's presence. Deep down I know this to be true and I am flattered that you chose me to be your father. I lost my birth mother when I was five years old and I know she will be waiting for you when you pass through the veil.
The range of emotions I've gone through during this pregnancy of yours have been wild. I was so excited when I found out you were conceived. Sonya is such a joy and I had no doubt you would be the same. When we went to the doctor for your first ultrasound at 12 weeks, I was excited. As it progressed and the technician became more and more somber, I remained optimistic. While your mom worried, I decided I would assume everything was OK until we heard back from the test results. When you were diagnosed with your condition, I took it a lot harder than your mother. She had been preparing for bad news. I had not. I cried with her as we absorbed the shock of it all.
The next emotion was one of relief. This was a mixed bag and your mother wasn't a big fan of it. I was relieved to know what was going on and to be able to prepare for something with some kind of certainty, even if it wasn't the thing I wanted. I was relieved that you wouldn't have to suffer for long and that you would have a short life knowing that you have a loving family. I was relieved that Sonya would not get neglected as often happens when a child with a disability comes into a family. This last relief was a little selfish as I also didn't know how I would hold up either.
We didn't hide the news. Due to your mother's cake business, we had to share it with her clients. After all, we could have lost you at anytime. You are so strong though. Here you are two weeks from birth and you are doing really well. We also shared it with our families and friends. Many prayers have been given on your behalf by all these people and you are well loved.
The view of the medical community has surprised me a little and not in a good way. Your mother didn't hesitate when we found out about your condition. Although the doctors basically asked us to terminate this pregnancy, your mother and I didn't flinch. We were going to keep you as long as you needed to be on this earth. The doctors used terms such as "non-viable" and "danger to health of the mother" to try to persuade us to end this pregnancy and aren't willing to intervene if your health is in danger. It is almost as if they don't see you as a person. Your mother and I know that you are indeed a very important person and just like all of our children, we would sacrifice much for you.
Mostly though Miah, I need you to know that I am proud of you for choosing to come to this earth, humbled to be your father, and excited to finally meet you. You have already touched our little family and you will be remembered as long as your mother and I breathe.
I love you.
Dad
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