Saturday, College Football Day

I held you all night long, again, and we had a few very nice chats. You and Daddy were up and moving a bit late, just in time to catch a little college football. You didn't seem to enjoy the game nearly as much as simply being snuggled by daddy. There came a point in that afternoon that Daddy and I felt a need to silence the room and hold you close. We hugged you and kissed you, and told you some important things. We told you that you had made us very, very happy. We explained to you that it was OK for you to go back to heaven, because we didn't want you to hurt anymore. We didn't need you to be strong for us; we were going to try not to be sad if you needed to go home to Jesus. We told you how honored we felt to be your mommy and daddy. I believe that you understood us. Your heart slowed and your color faded. You reached for and squeezed by thumb. One tear escaped your right eye and rolled down your cheek. We thought you were really going to leave us in that moment. But then you changed your mind. You gasped in a huge deep breath, your arms and legs whipped about, and you cried out loud. It felt like you were roaring "I am Powerful!". Daddy is convinced that you just wanted one more hug, and that you would have gone home much sooner if I hadn't squeezed so many hugs into you.
You were visited all day by your family, even Uncle Bri-Bri and Aunt Carly-Girl. They loved you the minute they saw your sweet face and felt your spirit.
We gave you a warm bath (Just like your sister Sonya, you hated getting water on your head).
In the middle of the night, Mommy was able to take care of you all by myself. I carefully changed your diaper, almost afraid that I was going to break you. I swaddled you in two fluffy new blankies, and even gave you a midnight snack. It felt so good know I could take care of you, and make good desicions. Even now, I worry that I might not have made the right choices for you. I could have given you some medicines that would have made you not feel pain, but then you wouldn't have been aware of all the people around you who loved you. I could have put tubes of nutrients in your scalp, but the doctors would have to cut you open, and it would have given you ouchies, and maybe even make you die. I wanted so badly to be selfish and do everything humanly possible to keep you alive forever; and it took every bit of my strength to resist. I hope so much that I was a good mommy, and that I made the same choices you would have if you could talk. I hope you know that I did everything I could for 9 months and 5 days to make you happy. I love you.