Your Name, ending at the beginning

I have loved writing these letters to you, Miah, even though it was scary for me to share them. I loved how these little notes gave others a glimpse of your sweet personality. It was so fun to watch you after you were born, and realize that I already knew you. I was not surprised at all that you chose not to complain when you were uncomfortable. I was not surprised that you liked cuddling, and people singing to you. I certainly wasn't surprised that you enjoyed visitors who came to hold you. At times, it seemed to me that you were holding on to life so that you could meet just one more person. You would coo and gurgle in their arms, like you were trying to tell them a million important things in the few moments you had with them. I wonder what you were trying to say.

I have already told about the scripture that inspired your name- Jeremiah 1:5.

"Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee, and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee..."

As I watched your life, I came to realize the following 2 verses were equally appropriate:

"Then said I, Ah, Lord God! Behold, I cannot speak: for I am a child.

But the Lord said unto me, Say not, I am a child: for thou shalt go to all that I shall send thee, and whatsoever I command thee

thou shalt speak."

Without words, you spoke to hundreds of people. I'm not fully aware of what you taught them, but I know you did it bravely and honestly and quietly. I suspect that those lessons were very personal and individual. In a very intimate way, you taught me about the nature of God. Your lessons, over and over again, taught me that God is not some airy formless thing that watches over the universe as a whole. He is real. You have taught me that He watches over me with even more intensity and carefulness than I did the 120 1/2 hours I watched you without sleeping. He cries over me when I struggle with more compassion than I cried over watching you struggle for breath. There have been times, that I didn't recognize before, when He held me with more tenderness and commitment than I did when you died in my arms. And He looks forward to my coming back to him with even more ache and anxiousness than I feel for you, my precious baby girl.

I wrote these letters, even though it was really scary, because you couldn't. I believe you had things to speak and teach. I know that you wanted to visit everyone, but you couldn't. I hope that I said things right...the way you wanted them to be said- honestly and bravely. This being your last letter, I need to say again that I am so proud of you. You lived a perfect life. I assure that you will never be forgotten or overlooked by your family. You will be a part of every Christmas card. You will be mentioned in every bedtime prayer. You are forever a member of our family and we love you.

Cake and Sunflowers

The day of your funeral (October 24th, your due date) was beautiful and sunny. Mommy woke up extra early to make you a giant birthday cake. It was pink, yellow, blue, purple, green, and every other cheerful color you can think of! I made it five tiers high to celebrate each of the 5 days and 5 nights you spent with us. I actually had to get up on a stool to decorate the very top of your cake, it was so tall! Lots of people bustled around me in the kitchen to warm soup, and water pretty flowers, and decorate cupcakes- all there to get ready for your celebration!
Mommy left for the cemetery with Grandma and Grandpa at 10:30 to put you in your pretty birthday dress. Grandma and Grandpa dressed you while I was sitting just outside the door. I hope you don't think that I didn't join them because I was scared or because I don't love you as much as they do...It's just that, next time I see you and hold you, it needs to be forever. Letting you go once was the hardest thing Mommy has ever had to do; and I knew I couldn't be that strong twice. I know that your Grandparents were very careful with your sweet body. I know that they held you close and rocked you and made sure you looked beautiful in your dress and bonnet. They wrapped you in the same pink knitted blankie that you snuggled in after you were born, and laid you in your little bed for burial. We put your casket in Mommy and Daddy's car and drove the short distance to your grave. (No way was I going to put you in a giant dark hurst...you never left my sight while you were alive, I didn't see why your death should be any different).
Your grave sits on top of a mountain, and looks over the valley where we live. That day, the mountains were covered in all the fall colors. The sky was clear blue. All the raindrops left over from Friday sparkled on the ground and in the trees when they mixed with the sunshine. We even covered your grave in bright yellow sunflowers. It was a perfect day. Lots of friends and family came to say goodbye to you. Your big sister mostly kissed all the little babies, and mixed up the flowers and toys from other graves. Bishop talked about Heavenly Father and Jesus, and how you live with them now. Special prayers were offered in gratitude that we were given so much time with you. Your Mommy's favorite song was sung by good friends, to remind us that death is not forever. The song talks about Mary at the tomb of Jesus. She is crying because his body is gone. Jesus, who is alive again in his body comes to her and asks "Woman, why weepest thou?" Why seekest thou the living among the dead? Know ye not that angels now surround thee?
After friends gave us lots of hugs and left, Daddy and Grandpa slowly and carefully lowered you back into your Mother Earth. They then took shovels and covered your tiny white coffin with soil....I'm very glad they could do that instead of strangers. At the end, both their pants were covered in dirt and shoes caked in mud. Mommy thinks that they looked very pretty and glowey afterwards, even though they were dirty.
We came home to a house full of people who love you. There were balloons and flowers and lots of treats! Everyone was laughing, and playing, and talking. We lit candles and sang happy birthday, and your cousin Jaime blew out the candles for you! It was a very sweet, perfect day. I wonder if you were able to get away for a moment, to take a peak. I miss you.

Miracle Miah

Tuesday, Your Heavenly Homecoming

Your friend Robin came over to visit at 3 AM. Sonya was awake, so she cuddled her and read her stories in her crib. She held you, and helped to dip your footprint in plaster, and then Sonya's, so that you and your sister can have a sweet reminder of being together. Sonya simply adores you, you know. She begs to hold you every few minutes. She constantly kisses you and strokes your little fuzzy head. She even tries to give you a pacifier, her most treasured possession. (Even now that you are gone, she puts her pacifier up to your lips in our family pictures).
Many more friends came to visit you today, and feel your angelic spirit. Karen, the special girl who took your picture in the hospital came to hold you for the first time. She said that meeting you was life-changing experience. I believe you have change the lives of hundreds of people. Our neighbors from across the street came to meet you and they were instantly in love, as are all those who had the privilege.
At 6:26 PM, we celebrated your 5th Birthday! It was an absolute miracle that you had been with us for so long. We invited over the Taylors and the Morgans to party with us, so you had lots of friends and babies singing to you. Mommy put a giant pink birthday bow on your head. Everyone held you with lots of hugs and kisses. Everything was so happy!
You died in Mommy's arms at 7:09 PM. Mommy was the only one who noticed, but I didn't say anything for a few moments because it was so peaceful and effortless. I like to imagine that you waited until Mommy and Daddy had friends close by...you didn't want us to be sad. In a way, I also think you didn't want to leave when you were the center of attention. Sonya kissed you bye-bye, and Daddy held me close as we cried. Your friends took turns coming into the room to tenderly hold your body and say goodbye.
Mommy held your little body so tight for 3 hours after you went to heaven. I couldn't let you go- I just couldn't let you go. I cried and cried; feeling so blessed to have had you so long, but not knowing how I was ever going to be able to leave your side. The Absolute Hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life was lift you into Daddy's arms and watch him carry you downstairs...knowing I would not get to hold you again for a very very long time. Daddy was so strong! He gave your little broken body to two nice men in suits and watched you drive away from our home. Daddy did something I never could have done. He came back up to me and collapsed as my feet, so heartbroken...and so grateful that you were our daughter. We held each other and cried with happiness for hours.
Around Midnight, a knock at the door revealed a display of lovingly lit candles and a picture of our family.
OUR FOREVER FAMILY

Monday, the Nineteenth

Your first night sleeping at home was so much better than the hospital. Daddy and I laid you between us on a giant fluffy purple pillow, and snuggled on both sides of you. We had our arms around you all night and, again, I simply could not go to sleep. You were just so beautiful, I simply couldn't close my eyes for fear of missing one gurgle or coo.
You had tons of special visitors today. Everyone wanted to be near you, and hold you. Cliff was one of your very sweet visitors who loved you even before you were born. His little baby boy died many years ago, and he said that Baby Cliff was the glue in his family- never overlooked or forgotten. He made his little family try extra hard to live lives worthy of Heaven. I thought you would get along well with Baby Cliff, so we set up a playdate for when we're all in Heaven together.
At 6 PM, we took a family walk outside to show you all the fall colored leaves. The sun was setting and it made the sky pink and yellow. I think you enjoyed all the crispy fresh air and pretty colors. We got back home just before your 4th birthday. We prepared a bottle of milk with a little flat candle on top. Everyone sang you happy birthday.
More visitors came tonight and loved you. The Pearson family brought you flowers, and even held tight your sister Sonya so she wouldn't feel left out. You are so loved!

Sunday, Homecoming

We brought you home today. We drove with me holding you tightly in my arms...You were way too tiny for a car seat, and I couldn't bare to put you down. Walking into the door and welcoming you home felt so warm and right. All your family snuggled and kissed you. Sweet visitors Shirley, Taryn, Becca, Robin, Briton, and Diane came to hold you in all of your adorableness. It was very sweet: these visitors said that you had a such a strong and special spirit. You were a celestial being with one hand in Heaven and the other on Earth. I feel that, during the countless scary times we waited for you to breath, it was when Heaven was tugging a little harder for you to come home. I wonder if you may have gotten into a little bit of trouble with Heavenly Father for not coming home on time. I hope he understands.
All of the visits you received while you were alive made me understand that your life and birth was much bigger than just our family. Friends said that, because of you, they held their own babies a little bit tighter and said 'I love you' a little bit louder. You have helped people to re-believe in miracles.

Saturday, College Football Day

I held you all night long, again, and we had a few very nice chats. You and Daddy were up and moving a bit late, just in time to catch a little college football. You didn't seem to enjoy the game nearly as much as simply being snuggled by daddy. There came a point in that afternoon that Daddy and I felt a need to silence the room and hold you close. We hugged you and kissed you, and told you some important things. We told you that you had made us very, very happy. We explained to you that it was OK for you to go back to heaven, because we didn't want you to hurt anymore. We didn't need you to be strong for us; we were going to try not to be sad if you needed to go home to Jesus. We told you how honored we felt to be your mommy and daddy. I believe that you understood us. Your heart slowed and your color faded. You reached for and squeezed by thumb. One tear escaped your right eye and rolled down your cheek. We thought you were really going to leave us in that moment. But then you changed your mind. You gasped in a huge deep breath, your arms and legs whipped about, and you cried out loud. It felt like you were roaring "I am Powerful!". Daddy is convinced that you just wanted one more hug, and that you would have gone home much sooner if I hadn't squeezed so many hugs into you.
You were visited all day by your family, even Uncle Bri-Bri and Aunt Carly-Girl. They loved you the minute they saw your sweet face and felt your spirit.
We gave you a warm bath (Just like your sister Sonya, you hated getting water on your head).
In the middle of the night, Mommy was able to take care of you all by myself. I carefully changed your diaper, almost afraid that I was going to break you. I swaddled you in two fluffy new blankies, and even gave you a midnight snack. It felt so good know I could take care of you, and make good desicions. Even now, I worry that I might not have made the right choices for you. I could have given you some medicines that would have made you not feel pain, but then you wouldn't have been aware of all the people around you who loved you. I could have put tubes of nutrients in your scalp, but the doctors would have to cut you open, and it would have given you ouchies, and maybe even make you die. I wanted so badly to be selfish and do everything humanly possible to keep you alive forever; and it took every bit of my strength to resist. I hope so much that I was a good mommy, and that I made the same choices you would have if you could talk. I hope you know that I did everything I could for 9 months and 5 days to make you happy. I love you.

Friday the Sixteeth

This day was completely devoted to cuddling you. You and I woke daddy up at 4 am because we thought sleeping was a waste of time. Daddy disagreed with us and got a little grumpy...but melted when I put you in his arms. After a long cuddle with Daddy, we gave you a little bit of milk breakfast. You LOVED it and drank a little too quickly. See, your tummy was itty-bitty-bitty, and it couldn't hold more than a couple of drops. We ended up giving you lunch and dinner by just dipping your pacifier in milk and giving you food drop by drop.
Your grandma and grandpa came to visit you.
Nurse Karen spent a long and VERY entertaining amount of time trying to make a mold of your 'two thumbs up' hand.
A wonderful woman came to our room and played her harp for you. She spent the better part of an hour singing while you slept in my arms. It was so pretty.

Thursday the Fifthteenth

I went into the hospital with a racing heartbeat of 140 bpm. The doctors couldn't figure out if it was my heart or yours that they were hearing. They told me that you might have died in my tummy and that only my heartbeat was left. I was scared...the heartbeat jumped to 180 and, again, one single beat. An ultrasound was taken and the doctors found you wiggling with your heart still beating. You and I were perfectly synchronized...me worrying about you, and then you worrying about me. Once we knew that we were both OK, the one heartbeat split into two, mine at 90 and yours at 130.
As they wheeled mommy into the prep room for our surgery, I became very very scared again. I wasn't prepared to loose you already. I needed just one more day, or one more week to be with you. Daddy laid me down and gave me a blessing and, in it, he said that you were very loved. He reminded that many people were fasting and praying at that very moment. The miracle that I didn't have the strength to hope for, was believed in by so many faithful people. I immediately felt that power and peace and fell asleep.
The surgery was silent and peaceful. You did not cry. But you took a breath- one quiet, determined, little breath all by yourself. The doctors lifted you up so I could see you, and I was enchanted by your beauty. They put you in daddy's arms, then mine...and we sobbed together in one of the most happy moment of our lives- stroking your cheeks, kissing your forehead, watching your chest rise and fall. Daddy's surgical mask was completely drenched in tears, and snot from his nose was leaking out the bottom onto his shirt. The doctor said to mommy, "Well Karren, it looks like you got everything you've ever wanted". It is true, the windows of heaven were opened, and blessings poured out, and there was barely enough room to receive them.
You were soon greeted by your Grandpa Vern, Gramma Karol, Grandma and Grandpa Wilde, Sister Sonya, and our special friend Karen. Sonya was THRILLED to meet you, and called you "MY BABY". You were given countless kisses. No one wanted to let you go. At one point, we unwrapped you to look at your beautiful body. Daddy began to count your fingers and toes, and laughed out load- 11 fingers and 10 toes!! You had the cutest little extra thumb!
Shortly after everyone left, you almost died. Daddy and I held you close and thanked you for staying long enough to be loved by your family. We cried and the nurse, Blanche, cried with us. But then, you came back to us....taking in a deep breath, your heart beat faster and you wiggled. I proudly held you, my sweet perfect pink girl, as they wheeled us into the Maternity ward. I did not let you go or take my eyes off of you for one moment all night. I kissed you over and over, whispering I love yous in your ear. You opened your eyes and cooed 'I love yous' back. I am still so desperately in love with you.

An Angel's lesson in Charity

I've told you before that you are my little angel, and that you have taught me spiritual lessons in a way that I can understand. At the moment, I am in a hospital bed awaiting your arrival in the next two hours or so. I am so touched by all the people who love you, and have served you up to this point. There are friends all over the world who are going without food so that their prayers for you can feel stronger. Your grandmas have sewn special blankets and dresses for you, so that you can feel extra pretty on your birthday. Your name is on the prayer roles in all kinds of different churches, filled with people who believe as we do in a Heavenly Father who loves His children. There have even been friends who have offered humble prayers on your behalf to a God they are not so sure exists, but want to believe so much for your sake. People have practiced songs, named stars, given hugs, and written letters. Perhaps, most touching of all, have been when people have approached us with stories of their sorrows and sicknesses and triumphs. These stories make mommy cry...but they are good tears...it's because I love them.
It has been said that 'Charity' happens when we 'bare one anothers burdens, that they may be light. " I always thought that description of charity meant that when people help to bare our burdens, it makes them lighter for us. You have taught me that's not completely the way it works. When we bare the burdens and sadnesses of others, we learn to love them in a very special way- even strangers. We get a glimpse into the love that 'He who bares the Sorrows of us all' feels for the person we are serving. It is a perfect and careful pure love. When we feel it, we begin to 'see as we are seen' and to 'know as we are known', and we cannot help but understand that the intense love that God feels for another, He feels for me and you also. That understanding lightens my burdens, makes my yoke easy to bare.
I love you, my sweet angel girl. Having you inside my tummy makes me want to be a nicer person. Unkind thoughts and laziness seem unfitting while I house you, a beautiful heavenly being. I hope that will linger a little while when we are apart.

Email to the Orenco Ward

Dear Miah,

This email arrived today from the bishop of our ward. You are in the thoughts and prayers of hundreds of people. You are loved!

Love,
Mom and Dad

Dear Orenco Ward Members
This Thursday we are inviting all Ward members to join in a Fast for the Wilde family. Cameron and Karren will be expecting the newest addition to their family this Friday, October 16th, via caesarean delivery. Although the delivery itself should prove to have no complications, little Miah Rachel Wilde (soon to grace this world) was diagnosed early on in the pregnancy with a condition called Trisomy 18, also known as Edwards syndrome. (for more information please go to www.trisomy18.org)

Due to this condition there is a chance that sweet, little Miah may pass away soon after birth. There is no definite timeline for the length of her lifespan on this Earth, but there is hope and an unwavering faith that a miracle will present itself. She has already defied many odds stacked against her in her 40 weeks of growth and development, which is a testament to the power of prayer and trusting in the Lord's plan for this strong, courageous spirit.

We invite all members to join in this fast starting on Thursday evening and ending on Friday evening. The Wilde's will need the fortifying strength of patience, comfort and continued trust in the Lord that can only come through the power of fasting.

We greatly appreciate all those who are able to participate in the fast on Thursday to Friday, as well as all who offer up their prayers this week on behalf of Cameron, Karren, Sonya and Miah Wilde.

Thank you,

Bishop Wade Ellis

From Your Father

Dear Miah,

Your mother has been writing letters to you for a while now, and while I am not as diligent as her, I needed you to know your father loves you.

Pregnancy is never easy on your mother, but she is so brave and I admire her so much for her positive attitude throughout her trials. Your mom was sick with you for four months at the beginning and is now so uncomfortable. With your big sister, she couldn't wait for it to be over. With you Miah, mom doesn't want this pregnancy to end. She is still very uncomfortable and doesn't enjoy the constant trips to the toilet or the difficulty sleeping. On the other hand, she realizes that when you are born, she won't get to spend much time with you. Given these two choices, constant discomfort or losing you, I believe that she would choose the discomfort.

Unfortunately for your mother, that is not the way it works, and we will get to meet you in a couple of weeks. I am really excited for that day. I don't have near the same connection with you. Whenever your mother says you are wiggling a lot inside her and I put my hand where you are, you stop. You are very shy when it comes to someone other than your mother. I look forward to finally meeting you and holding you.

I realize that you will be with us for just a short while, but it is much better than no time at all. One of my nightmares is having to bury one of my own children, and it looks like this will be the case. The Plan of Salvation teaches me that I will see you again and get to be with you. You must be a very important person to be needed immediately back in Heavenly Father's presence. Deep down I know this to be true and I am flattered that you chose me to be your father. I lost my birth mother when I was five years old and I know she will be waiting for you when you pass through the veil.

The range of emotions I've gone through during this pregnancy of yours have been wild. I was so excited when I found out you were conceived. Sonya is such a joy and I had no doubt you would be the same. When we went to the doctor for your first ultrasound at 12 weeks, I was excited. As it progressed and the technician became more and more somber, I remained optimistic. While your mom worried, I decided I would assume everything was OK until we heard back from the test results. When you were diagnosed with your condition, I took it a lot harder than your mother. She had been preparing for bad news. I had not. I cried with her as we absorbed the shock of it all.

The next emotion was one of relief. This was a mixed bag and your mother wasn't a big fan of it. I was relieved to know what was going on and to be able to prepare for something with some kind of certainty, even if it wasn't the thing I wanted. I was relieved that you wouldn't have to suffer for long and that you would have a short life knowing that you have a loving family. I was relieved that Sonya would not get neglected as often happens when a child with a disability comes into a family. This last relief was a little selfish as I also didn't know how I would hold up either.

We didn't hide the news. Due to your mother's cake business, we had to share it with her clients. After all, we could have lost you at anytime. You are so strong though. Here you are two weeks from birth and you are doing really well. We also shared it with our families and friends. Many prayers have been given on your behalf by all these people and you are well loved.

The view of the medical community has surprised me a little and not in a good way. Your mother didn't hesitate when we found out about your condition. Although the doctors basically asked us to terminate this pregnancy, your mother and I didn't flinch. We were going to keep you as long as you needed to be on this earth. The doctors used terms such as "non-viable" and "danger to health of the mother" to try to persuade us to end this pregnancy and aren't willing to intervene if your health is in danger. It is almost as if they don't see you as a person. Your mother and I know that you are indeed a very important person and just like all of our children, we would sacrifice much for you.

Mostly though Miah, I need you to know that I am proud of you for choosing to come to this earth, humbled to be your father, and excited to finally meet you. You have already touched our little family and you will be remembered as long as your mother and I breathe.

I love you.

Dad

Daddy's Girl

Last week, we were able to see you in your last ultrasound. We were checking to see what kinds of specific sicknesses you have so that we can make sure you get the right medicine. It looks like you have a little hole on the inside of your heart. Daddy and I were prepared for that, and we have had long talks about what would be best for you. We have decided that we will not make you go through any 'ouchy' surgeries right after being born. Instead, we are going to give you a little bit of air for 2 minutes to help you take a first breath, and then we are going to cuddle you close, and kiss you, and tell you how much we love you. Daddy is going to give you a special blessing, in which he will put his hands on your head and listen very carefully to what Heavenly Father wants him to tell you. It's like your daddy in Heaven telling your daddy on Earth about how special you are, and the plan he has for you. I am so happy that Daddy has practiced talking to Heavenly Father all his life, and knows what his voice sounds like, so that he can feel worthy to give you this special gift.

Your ultrasound also revealed some parts of your body that were not so serious. You see, your sister looks EXACTLY like Daddy, just prettier. I was kind of hoping you would look a bit like me...but Daddy's dominating genes have trumped yet again. The doctor measured your head and said it was just as big as any other baby which is not usually what happens when you're sick. Also, your arms and legs are a tiny bit smaller than they should be. Your chin will be little, and you will have a pot-belly. Some of your fingers may be strait instead of curled up. The doctor told us this carefully, thinking we might be sad, but I just giggled. You are a daddy's girl...I could not have described your father's physical attributes better myself! Daddy's head is really, really big...so it totally makes sense that the statistics for your having Microcephaly mixed with daddy genes would give you a normal head:-) Also, if you pay really close attention to daddy's hands (especially when he walks fast), some of his fingers don't curl- they just stick strait out and up. I like to joke with daddy that his short arms and taloned fingers make him look a bit like T-Rex.
All joking aside, Daddy is very handsome, and you are soooo beautiful! Your little face kept popping into view last week, and I just melted- you are a gorgeous baby girl! When I look at you and Sonya, I see all the best parts of your Daddy. I am so happy that you not only look like him, but that you have the patience, self-confidence, and determination that he has as well. I am convinced that nothing is impossible for you.

Little Angel

"Angels speak by the power of the holy ghost, wherefore, they speak the words of Christ."
I have always had this idea, if angels really do watch over us and teach us, that they would be our great-grandmas and grandpas, maybe even the kids we will have someday. Sometimes, I treat you like my own personal angel. I hope that is OK...I ask you lots of questions, especially late at night when you keep me up with your wiggles. I feel like you are an expert in certain things. Much like how people ask Mommy cooking questions, and Daddy about computers, and Sonya about making friends, I ask you about the things of the spirit. I imagine that, like all new babies, you have recently studied at the feet of Jesus. You love to tell me about Him, and share with me the things He has taught you.

When we first found out you might be sick, I asked you to help me understand the difference between faith and hope. See, it just didn't feel right to 'have faith' that you were going to be healthy and strong. When I prayed to Heavenly Father, I tried to ask Him to heal you- I tried to ask for miracles, but I wasn't very good at it. Those prayers would always change into pleadings to make me strong, and to know what you needed from me as a mommy. I felt a little bit guilty after these prayers, like maybe my faith just wasn't big enough to move mountains.

I don't feel that way anymore; I feel peace that everything is going to be OK. Not that I believe that your body will be healed, and you will get to run and jump and play like other babies...but rather, in the end, everything will be made right. You reminded me of the story of Jesus and His friend Lazarus. Lazarus died and was put in the cemetery. When Jesus came, he saw his friend's sisters and everyone crying, and he cried too. He cried because he loved his friend so much. It's such a good story because we know that in only minutes, Jesus makes his friend come alive again, and everyone is so happy. I think he knew that would happen a long time before he came to the grave or started to cry. And I think, even now, he loves all his friends enough to cry with them when they are sad...even though he knows for sure that everything is going to be OK. That's one part of hope. It's not like wishful thinking at all, it is a strong belief that He who knows the end from the beginning walks along side us...mourns when we mourn, and comforts us when we need comfort.

Faith is the 'substance of those things hoped for, and the evidence' that we trust Him. You have taught me that I can have the greatest faith by acting on that hope and walking forward, even if there seems to be a mountain in the way. The big mountain might move because all things really are possible, but if not, we walk anyway. And we walk with a perfect companion. I know that you trust Jesus very much. He is your most favorite friend, and you want me to have both faith and hope in Him. It's a bit funny- sometimes you like to take these teaching moments a bit further, and tell me extra things. You actually used my question about faith and hope, to tell me all about what charity means. I will save my description of that angel lesson for later. You are a very good teacher, and very patient with me. Sometimes it feels like I am the little kid and you are the grown-up.

Tender Mercies

I know that Heavenly Father loves me. Because He loves me, He sent his little boy to teach me how to come back to him, and live with him forever. Along the way, he answers my prayers, and cries with me, and gives me people to love. He has made sure that the people I love will never really be taken away. This is possible because His little boy lived, and died, and then came to life again. These are some of the things that your mommy feels like she knows for absolutely sure; and I need this knowledge to help me do tough things. Sometimes, however, I am given much more than what I need: something the scriptures call "Tender Mercies". While you have been growing, Heavenly Father has given us lots of these little gifts to remind us that he knows you and me VERY personally, and that He loves us.

One night I had a dream about you. You were born in the hospital and you looked at me with beautiful brown eyes. A friend came into the room and took pretty pictures of you while you were still alive, to help Mommy remember what you looked like. When I woke up, I was a little bit sad because I knew there was a possibility that you might die before being born. My greatest hope in the whole world is that you will be born alive; that I will get to hold you while you are still in the body I made for you. In a way, I want to make sure you're real, and that you belong to our family. Only one day after my dream, Mommy's photographer friend called and related a similar experience and asked to take your picture in the hospital. She said that, in her dream, it didn't matter if you were alive because your spirit was sooo strong in the room. She could feel you there. In the most tender and merciful way I can think of, Heavenly Father explained to me, through this special person, that it is not necessary for you to take a breath in order to belong with me. You are a very real part of our family already, and your body is acceptable for your mortal experience.

Early this summer, Mommy had a picture frame just sitting around the living room. I found several pretty pictures to go inside, but they didn't fit, or they were too expensive. One day, I went to a craft store to get some paint, and I stopped in the poster section on my way out. In the back of the pile, there was a dusty tattered poster marked down to twelve dollars. There was no name or artist written on the back, not even a signature. It was one of the most beautiful pictures Mommy had ever seen...and it fit her frame.

After hanging this picture up, a dinner guest noticed it and knew the painting well. The artist was the Austrian Gustav Klimt, and he lived in the late 1800's. He titled his painting, "The Tree of Life". I love this picture because it is how I see you; serene, elegant, and more of a young woman than a little baby. You are standing on one side of this life, while your Daddy and I are hugging eachother on the other side. We look sad, but you are not- you must better understand what is happening and why. I hope that you will look in our direction every so often while you are busy working on your side of the tree, and remember that we love you very much.

These are just a couple of the tender mercies that have been shown to our family. There are countless others. There was the moment Mommy found your name. There was the time I was told your diagnosis, and a friend who could understand, was close to give me a hug. There was the night your sister came to me in the middle of the night when I was sad, and slept beside us. There were those special sermons given in April, that helped to prepare me and daddy for you to come. None of these gifts were necessary for our happiness, but they continue to be wonderful reminders that we are carefully watched over and loved.

Mommy Hears a Miah

Several times, I have read the Dr. Suess story, Horton Hears a Who, to you and Sonya. The story is all about an elephant who caries around a little fluffy clover, believing that people or "Whos" live on it. Horton, the elephant, carries around the fluffy full of Whos, and keeps them safe, while everyone looks at him like he's crazy. Horton defends his fluffy with unwavering faithfulness, chanting "a person's a person, no matter how small!" At the end of the story, the Whos "whooped up a racket" and "their voices were heard! They rang out clear and clean. And the elephant smiled: Do you see what I mean?...". Finally everyone could hear the sweet voice Horton heard the whole time. I can't wait until others get the opportunity to meet you, and see you the way I do.

Mommy has learned a ton about your personality simply based on how you move around in my tummy. See, your sister was very spunky and territorial. She would kick anyone who touched my belly- daring to invade her space. In ultrasounds, she would do flips, make fish faces, and sleep with her hands behind her head. It was hilarious because, when she was born, nothing changed- She tore off her hat with determination, blew a couple spit bubbles, and tucked her fists behind the neck and slept. Her personality was well established in the womb.

You are already much different from your sister. When Daddy tries to feel you kicking in my tummy, you move your body to make room for his hand- like you were saying "OH, I'm so sorry to have gotten in your way". When we see you in the ultrasounds, you seem perfectly content and serene with your circumstances- even when the doctors try to jostle you around to get specific pictures. In fact, once they put a needle right in Mommy's tummy and you moved to the far side of the uterus...seeming to make sure the new foreign object was comfortable in your home. I imagine that you are a peacemaker- slow to anger and non-confrontational.

That's not to say you are not PURE WILDE. The Wildes are impossible to ignore- they are bold, loud, and overly confident (often when they lack the credentials that normally accompany such confidence). They defy anyone who claims they Can't do something, regardless of the seeming impossibility of the task. YOU, my dear, are Wilde through and through. We go to the doctor about every two weeks to check your heart, and make sure you're still growing. Every time we go, the doctor reminds us about how sick you are, and how your mom is being silly for carrying you. You don't like those talks AT ALL; you lay your serenity aside, and make a point of defying the poor doctor. Like a true Wilde, you prove yourself with unnecessary confidence...maybe even show off a bit (you got that from Daddy). The doctor says your heartbeat is perfect but that isn't enough for you; you twist in bouncy somersaults- wiggling every which way...making it difficult to count the heartbeats. Last time, you even hiccuped twice just to make the point.

Your little personality makes Mommy laugh! I hope you and I can continue to frustrate doctors and defy some of those icky statistics with ridiculous boldness!

Challenges and Blessings

Your daddy and I visited the doctor when you were only 11 weeks growing, to get an ultrasound and see your first baby pictures. You were so cute...little fingers and toes and a perfect little face. The doctors became very serious while they were looking at you, and said that you were sick. They told us that you may have a condition known as Downs Syndrome, meaning that you would not have a body or mind that worked the same as your sister's. The doctors told us that we should consider not letting you be born, because it would present a significant challenge to our family. Mommy cried a lot, and so did Daddy when the doctors were gone. We talked about how much we love you, and how honored we felt to have someone like you come to our family. I was excited to think about what a good big sister you would have, and how you would be able to teach her about patience and compassion and faith. Although Daddy said he would support any decision I made, I never once didn't want you.
The doctors ran lots and lots of tests to find out just how sick you were. The tests really hurt, because your mommy's body was soooo protective of you. Every time the doctors tried to stick a needle toward you, all my muscles inside would attack the needle and make it impossible to get the tissue they needed. Finally, when you were 4 months grown, one of the tests worked. The test told us that you did not have Downs Syndrome, but rather a condition called Trisomy 18. All of the doctors were surprised because you didn't look like other babies with the same thing. It means that your heart and lungs and tummy won't work the right way after you are born, and you will die. I found out while Daddy was at work, and I cried and cried and cried. Your sister cried too, and gave us big hugs.
I need you to understand that we do not cry because you are a challenge, or because we don't want you. We love you so much, and we're sad that we can't keep you. Everyone has challenges in their lives, really really tough things but; because of those challenges, they are provided the blessings to overcome them. You are the BLESSING, not the challenge. Your mommy's biggest challenge is confidence; confidence in herself and in Heavenly Father. There have been sad times in my life when I was so sure I could not be the person He needed me to be. I couldn't understand how the Creator of Heaven and Earth could be mindful of me- condescend to plead with me "won't you come unto me...that I might heal you?"- and make me perfect. But now I am blessed with you...and you have given me the opportunity to re-discover that I really do believe all the things I have said I do. Having you leaves no doubt that families are bound together for eternity. Knowing that you will be waiting for me in Heaven, demands that I have absolute faith in the only One who holds the power to bring me to where you are, our Savior. It is hard to imagine loosing confidence in Him now, when the stakes are so high, and the reward so tangible. Because I have been blessed with you, I can say with surity, that the promises of eternal life are worth every effort which it takes to live the gospel. 

Your Name

Miah,
You are still growing in Mommy's tummy. You kick around tons, and you have a very unique personality already. We are very excited to see you when you are born; we know you will be very beautiful. The doctors have told us that your body is sick, and that you won't be able to stay with our family for very long. For this reason, we would like to write down some of the thoughts and special stories you would have heard growing-up.
First, I want you to understand what your name means and why we picked it especially for you. We have named you Miah Rachel Wilde.
MIAH comes from the book of Jeremiah of the old testament. In the fifth verse of the first chapter we read about how Heavenly Father tells the prophet that he has a great purpose, and that no mistakes are made. He says, "Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee, and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee...". I believe that Heavenly Father has a special plan for you, and that you are in no way a mistake. I know that you have a unique and individual spirit that has been alive for a very long time, and that your spiritual life will never end. You will not get to keep your body for very long but, someday, you will get a perfect one that can never get sick or stop working. It will last forever.
RACHEL is a name that also belongs to someone in the Old Testament. She was a beautiful girl who was loved very, very much. Her husband worked for her daddy for 14 years just so he could marry her, and have her in his family forever. I will only carry you in my tummy for 9 months, but I will work to be worthy of you for the rest of my life. Just as Jacob had to wait a long time to be with his beloved Rachel, our family will wait to be with you in Heaven.
WILDE. I took a long time picking out this name for you; it is the most important one of all. This name means that you have a daddy who loves you just as much as I do. He's the kind of daddy who prayed on his knees with me, and asked Heavenly Father to send you to us. He is the kind of daddy who doesn't feel silly dancing with his babies, or singing, or playing horsie. He makes sure that your mommy feels pretty and smart, which means that he will make sure his daughters feel the same way. He is the kind of daddy you can be very proud of forever, and he has given his daughters a name that, when the time comes, should only ever be replaced by a name that meets those same standards.